funny facebook status

GPS says "arrival time". I see "Time to beat".

Message to all Funeral Directors: tie the deceased persons shoelaces together! At least that way during the zombie apocalypse we have a head start and a few laughs!

That awkward moment when Eminem is eating M&M`s...Flo-Rida is in Florida... and 50 Cents has 2 quarters.

Harry Potter fans: I wanna go to Hogwarts.
Narnia fans: I wanna go to Narnia.
Hunger Games fans: Nope I`m good.

Scientists say the universe is made up of: protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.

"Low Battery, connect charger"
Um, you`re a smart phone, connect your damn self!"

If you put headphones in your nose and play music, your mouth will turn into a speaker.

Everyone has that one friend who needs to learn how to whisper.

My favorite part of attending a Marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.

My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, I cry