funny facebook status

I think the guy who invented ties was trying to commit suicide then he saw himself in the mirror & thought… "wait, this looks nice."

You haven`t tested your patience yet until you get stuck behind an undecided person at a redbox kiosk.

A young executive was leaving his office at 6pm when he saw his CEO in front of the shredding machine. Can you make this thing work? Certainly said the young executive. He turned the machine on inserted the paper and pressed the start button. Excellent,excellent said the CEO as the paper disappeared inside the machine. I just need one copy.

I think the discovery channel should be on a different channel every day.

We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they`ll dig the wrong way. It`s called thinking ahead guys.

I would like to post ads on Craigslist. "IPhone 5s for $20!" Along with the number of people who annoy me...

Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today.

teacher: "where`s your homework?"
me: where`s leonardo`s oscar?

I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces at the pond today.

That lion king moment, when you hold your phone in the air to get a better reception.. :D