Every time i see a hitch-hiker i just pretend that they`re trying to tell me i`m doing a great driving job.
-unknown
funny facebook status
Cats have 32 muscles in each ear to help them ignore the shit out of you.
-unknown
My parents say its their house, but when its time to clean it magically becomes my house too.
-unknown
Google+ is the gym of social networking: We all join, but nobody actually uses it.
-unknown
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I`m not beating her.
-unknown
Do you serve woman at this bar? No sir, you must bring your own.
-unknown
"I wasn`t THAT drunk!" Dude, you were running circles around my car screaming "WHICH SEAT CAN I TAKE!?!?"
-unknown
You`re such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship & there was only one life jacket... I`d miss you a lot & think of you often.
-unknown
me: it’s too hot
me: *opens window* *in comes 20 flies, 8 spiders, 17 daddy long legs, 50 moths, 3 dragons and 12 Jehovah’s witnesses*
me: *opens window* *in comes 20 flies, 8 spiders, 17 daddy long legs, 50 moths, 3 dragons and 12 Jehovah’s witnesses*
-unknown
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “northwest.”
-Dorian