my parents accused me of being a liar, i looked them in the face and said, `tooth fairy, Santa, Easter bunny` and walked away like a boss.
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funny facebook status
Doctor & Blonde: "You`re having twins!" *Girl starts to cry* "Aren`t you happy?" "I am, but I don`t know who the second father is!"
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Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."
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*lights flickering* Normal People: Oh, I have to change the light bulb. Me: OMFG GHOSTS!!!
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Hey girls, stop doing that thing with your lips when you take pictures. You`re making us look stupid, Sincerely ducks.
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On a scale from Kristen Stewart to Nicki Minaj, how many different facial expressions do you have?
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Lazy rule = If you spill water, it will eventually dry.
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Me: "Let`s settle this the mature adult way." Friend: "Rock, paper, scissors?" Me: "No bitch! Eenie meenie miney mo."
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If swimming is so good for your figure, then how the hell do you explain whales?
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Police Officer: Do you speak English? Jose: Yes. Police Officer: Where are you from? Jose: Yes.
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